Saturday, December 13, 2014

I'm just so tired

My mom is in town this week. It's like a burden lifted from my back with all the help she has given. But at the same time, she's lifted the burden from my back and I feel like I've completely fallen to the ground, flat on my face, tired from carrying it.

I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's a mental thing. While I was by myself, I HAD to take care of us all, I HAD to get things done. I didn't have time to just sleep when I needed. I just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. Now that she's here and I don't have to do it all it's like I'm completely exhausted everyday and I think to myself "how in the heck was I doing this by myself before?"

Maybe it's like the story Elder Bednar told of the truck needing to carry a load to be able to have enough traction to go. Maybe I need this load of caring for these twins to create more traction for myself to get things done and not be so lazy.

"Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness"

Just a thought…

Tonight as Casey and I were talking we realized how much we are rocking it in the parent department. It was 8:30 pm Max was still super wide awake and happy and crazy and of course was holding a cookie in his hand (because I'm a weak parent and give into his wants lately because I don't have the energy to fight him anymore, when will that will power come back?????!!!!!!!)

The babies are beginning to wake up more, which is making it harder to please them. It takes a little more effort on my part to coax them to go down for sleep. At least today, it felt like there was COMPLETELY no schedule or rhythm to the day. They were on opposite schedule. One would want to eat after an hour and a half, and the other was content until 3 hours. One would take a long nap, and the other just a short cat nap. I just kinda felt like a parenting fail today.

I mentioned to my mom and a friend today that I kinda feel a little gipped having twins. You don't get to spend that constant one on one attention with your baby just staring at him and cooing at him. There's no relaxed lay there in bed nursing him (well you can do 1 but then I have to turn and do the other probably crying baby and worry if the first needs to be burped, needs more from a bottle, etc). It's just so intense and in your face. I think the rest of my babies are going to seem easy breezy compared to this.

My mom mentioned that was how she felt when raising her 4 little boys: every stage was just so in your face intense, it was hard to enjoy it all. I want to be able to enjoy it. I don't want to be overwhelmed. I want to be able to step back, take it all in, and see the joy. I think having this blog as a writing space to reflect is a big help to be able to do that.

I didn't mean for this to be a depress-a-post. I know I'm so lucky to be a mother to twins, not many get to and it truly is really fun. I think some days will feel overwhelming like this but I just can't let it roll over to the next day. I need to make each day a new one and not let the past day reflect on the current. It's ok to not feel on the ball everyday. It's ok to feel tired. But each day is a new one and with the Lord's help I can make it through (happily).

At the end of (the rough) day today, my mom and I were changing the boys' diapers getting them ready for their last feeding before bed. As I was holding Quinn like a puppy (that's what I call it when your hands are under their armpits, their shoulders are scrunched to their ears and they have no where but to look at you and just hang there, you know that hold? back to the story…) as I was holding Quinn like a puppy he began putting weight on his legs and standing for a few seconds!!!!!!! Something new and exciting from this baby!!!! He's growing! He's learning something new! He's waking up! We're getting somewhere! And then Bryson did the same thing with my mom! They both are putting weight on their little legs! It was like a bright shining star from a kinda gloomy-get-through it day. Those few seconds of standing made the whole day of hard mothering worth it.

It truly is the small things that you can find such great happiness in!

Small things also like BOTH BOYS slept three 4 hour stretches last night, Let me tell you, those two 3 hour stretches of sleep for myself felt so fantastic.

Now a couple pictures because we all love pictures:

This is Maxson pre-toddler bed transition, he was able to grab the pack of wipes while trying to wind down before bed, pulled a bunch of them out, and fisted them while going to bed, that goober. It was super cute when I walked in and saw it (this is also when he was turning on the light, that's why the light is on in his room ;)
 Guess whooooo!!!!!! Look close!!!!!!!!it's Bryson
 The other baby.

That's it for pictures because I'm tired and want to go to sleep.

Farewell all ye well rested readers.

1 comment:

Andy Ballstaedt said...

I"m so so glad you document your experiences with honesty and let us in on your reflections. I imagine having young kids and taking it all in is actually really really hard and maybe not completely expected. It's hard to appreciate life's moments in general even without kids. There's so much to be done. I guess we just have to keep practicing and forgive ourselves when we don't sit and soak it all in?