Showing posts with label oh my gosh we're having twins. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oh my gosh we're having twins. Show all posts

Saturday, December 13, 2014

I'm just so tired

My mom is in town this week. It's like a burden lifted from my back with all the help she has given. But at the same time, she's lifted the burden from my back and I feel like I've completely fallen to the ground, flat on my face, tired from carrying it.

I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's a mental thing. While I was by myself, I HAD to take care of us all, I HAD to get things done. I didn't have time to just sleep when I needed. I just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. Now that she's here and I don't have to do it all it's like I'm completely exhausted everyday and I think to myself "how in the heck was I doing this by myself before?"

Maybe it's like the story Elder Bednar told of the truck needing to carry a load to be able to have enough traction to go. Maybe I need this load of caring for these twins to create more traction for myself to get things done and not be so lazy.

"Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness"

Just a thought…



Tonight as Casey and I were talking we realized how much we are rocking it in the parent department. It was 8:30 pm Max was still super wide awake and happy and crazy and of course was holding a cookie in his hand (because I'm a weak parent and give into his wants lately because I don't have the energy to fight him anymore, when will that will power come back?????!!!!!!!)

The babies are beginning to wake up more, which is making it harder to please them. It takes a little more effort on my part to coax them to go down for sleep. At least today, it felt like there was COMPLETELY no schedule or rhythm to the day. They were on opposite schedule. One would want to eat after an hour and a half, and the other was content until 3 hours. One would take a long nap, and the other just a short cat nap. I just kinda felt like a parenting fail today.

I mentioned to my mom and a friend today that I kinda feel a little gipped having twins. You don't get to spend that constant one on one attention with your baby just staring at him and cooing at him. There's no relaxed lay there in bed nursing him (well you can do 1 but then I have to turn and do the other probably crying baby and worry if the first needs to be burped, needs more from a bottle, etc). It's just so intense and in your face. I think the rest of my babies are going to seem easy breezy compared to this.

My mom mentioned that was how she felt when raising her 4 little boys: every stage was just so in your face intense, it was hard to enjoy it all. I want to be able to enjoy it. I don't want to be overwhelmed. I want to be able to step back, take it all in, and see the joy. I think having this blog as a writing space to reflect is a big help to be able to do that.

I didn't mean for this to be a depress-a-post. I know I'm so lucky to be a mother to twins, not many get to and it truly is really fun. I think some days will feel overwhelming like this but I just can't let it roll over to the next day. I need to make each day a new one and not let the past day reflect on the current. It's ok to not feel on the ball everyday. It's ok to feel tired. But each day is a new one and with the Lord's help I can make it through (happily).

At the end of (the rough) day today, my mom and I were changing the boys' diapers getting them ready for their last feeding before bed. As I was holding Quinn like a puppy (that's what I call it when your hands are under their armpits, their shoulders are scrunched to their ears and they have no where but to look at you and just hang there, you know that hold? back to the story…) as I was holding Quinn like a puppy he began putting weight on his legs and standing for a few seconds!!!!!!! Something new and exciting from this baby!!!! He's growing! He's learning something new! He's waking up! We're getting somewhere! And then Bryson did the same thing with my mom! They both are putting weight on their little legs! It was like a bright shining star from a kinda gloomy-get-through it day. Those few seconds of standing made the whole day of hard mothering worth it.

It truly is the small things that you can find such great happiness in!

Small things also like BOTH BOYS slept three 4 hour stretches last night, Let me tell you, those two 3 hour stretches of sleep for myself felt so fantastic.

Now a couple pictures because we all love pictures:

This is Maxson pre-toddler bed transition, he was able to grab the pack of wipes while trying to wind down before bed, pulled a bunch of them out, and fisted them while going to bed, that goober. It was super cute when I walked in and saw it (this is also when he was turning on the light, that's why the light is on in his room ;)
 Guess whooooo!!!!!! Look close!!!!!!!!it's Bryson
 The other baby.

That's it for pictures because I'm tired and want to go to sleep.

Farewell all ye well rested readers.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

The tale of twins

Well our baby boys made it safe into the world! The good thing about staying in the NICU was that I had a plentiful amount of time to write about things and work on our 2014 family photo book. 

DETAILS about their birth!

So after all that hospital hoopla the week before, I kind of figured that when I’d go in for my appointment on Monday morning with my doctor I’d probably still have high blood pressure and something would have to happen. Luckily it wasn’t too high that day and they didn’t make me go to the hospital to get induced at that moment. We’d set up an appointment for the following morning! We decided it was safer for me and babies to get these babies out than to stay in with such high blood pressure. It was just hanging around that borderline cut off range to be dangerous.

I was stoked you guys. The previous nights and days had just been so difficult due to contractions, back pain, bed rest, stomach issues, sleeping issues, a messy house, a cranky husband. It had gotten to the point of so dang hard! I was smiling ear to ear walking out of the office. I found the sonographer whom we had seen so many times and spent countless hours of ultrasounds with and told her the good news. She was so very excited for me. Walking out of that office I felt like I had graduated from pregnancy or something. BEST FEELING EVER. The ride home was wonderful too. It was just a splendid rest of my day.

Three wonderful friends came over that evening and helped clean my house spic and span to the utmost level. You guys, my house had not been THAT fine detailed clean in AGES, it was the most wonderful feeling ever. I love those girls. Thank you forever for that, ladies, you know who you are.

The rest of the night Casey played video games with friends as his “But Kimber, this is going to be the last time in a long time I’ll get to play” excuse and I worked on Casey and Maxson’s Halloween costumes. Figuring these babies were coming early and not knowing what was happening to us the next couple weeks I figured I may not be dressing up. We stayed up for forever because honestly I usually can’t fall asleep until 1 or so anyways no matter what time I go to bed at so I might as well make that time useful. And of course once we did go to bed there were those “1st day of school jitters” for the coming day for the babies to be born!

6:45 am We get to hospital (of course late for our 6:30 “appointment”)

7:15 The nurse finally comes in and busy work/small details begin, we start watching Friends. People come in and poke me like CRAZY. They could not find a vein in my arm. My nurse tried twice in my arm hard core digging around to find the vein, I begged her to try her hardest to find one in my arm and not my hand because I remembered from last time how uncomfortable it was to have to have it in my hand. I said poke as many times as you need just get it in my arm! Well she tried and no luck. So she brought the head nurse in to try. She tried my arm once, my left hand once, and finally got one in my right hand. So they had to do some mean pokes 5 times just to get it in my right hand of all places grr. AND THEN at the same time the vampires blood work people came in to draw my blood. Apparently a student tried first and totally couldn’t get it, then her mentor tried and he got it (luckily his first time). So in all I got 7 mean pokes in a matter of like 20 minutes. Did not feel good. I asked Casey to massage my left hand and arm from where all their needles hurt so much. Not cool, but also not their fault if I had some difficult veins to find.


8:15 start Pitocin. And now for all the next hours they would constantly be coming in readjusting the 3 monitors on my stomach: Baby A’s heart rate monitor, Baby B’s hear rate monitor and the contraction monitor. Both boys would constantly be wiggly so I felt like they needed to re-find their heart rates all the time. At this time they also check the baby's positions again to make sure they're the same as yesterday, Baby A is head down which is truly one that matters for a vaginal delivery. Baby B is breech but the doctors all say that that's ok and I can still deliver vaginally. There is however a 50/50 chance of that baby suddenly needing to have a C-section if something went wrong. After talking to Dr Bowers we all decided I would try for vaginally.

9:30 Dr Bowers comes in to break my water (actually baby A’s water sac.) Apparently neither had seen so much amniotic fluid come out of one sac in a very long time. They couldn’t believe how much initially came out and that it just kept coming and coming and coming out. Glories to not having had my water break at home or in the car. They tried 3 times to connect an internal monitor to Baby A’s head but no luck, eh all is well.

From here on out we kind of just settle in watching copious amounts of Friends, laughing, chatting, talking to nurses and waiting.

11:00 contractions start to become more painful but Friends kept me occupied luckily. They weren’t awful just a kind of annoying pain that I wanted to just go away. It was wonderful when they would stop, it was like instant relief.



12:00 I start questioning myself to get the epidural (I was planning on an epidural the whole time with these boys). The contractions were getting real hot and heavy and although I was getting through them they were not fun. I knew I could handle more pain but was it really necessary when the epidural was there available, just around the corner?

12:15 I talk to my nurse a little about my thoughts of an epidural. I told her my above thoughts plus that I thought that the longer I went without one, the faster I would progress. She said she found that wasn’t necessarily true and that the epidural would help lower my blood pressure (it was pretty high the whole time there thus far, 150-160’s/90-100’s) and mentioned as a nurse she’d rather get me the epidural than have to give me magnesium (I got magnesium and if you remember from last time, it is CRAPPY stuff. That stuff lowers your blood pressure too). That was reason enough and I was like YES. Epidural now. Great. Go. 

12:30 Epidural process begins. Over the next half hour I am beginning to have to really work to relax and get through each contraction: breathing a ton, leaning back towards Casey making him push on my back. Not fun. I am so glad I asked for the epidural when I did. Again, so happy for Friends, it was a nice relief to zone out on a funny show and even laugh between contractions instead of anticipate when the next one would be coming.

1:00 epidural begins to work. People talk about an instantaneous response but I never quite feel that. It’s more like slow tingling and realizing I haven’t felt a contraction in awhile. Once the nurse asked, “You’re having a contraction, do you feel that?” and I realized I didn’t anymore it was like halleluiah.  Now back to Friends watching.

1:20 She gets my catheter in and I mention how much I can feel from that. It’s not like I felt it all, but it was more uncomfortable pressure than I was expecting. She described how an epidural works mentioning the immediate medicine given is fast acting and not as strong and then there’s an overlap medicine that’s slowly added that’s deeper, that transition is more around the 2 hour mark or so. I’m cool with it. Contraction pain is gone so I’m good. She also checked and I was at a 7, “Woo, go me!” I thought, 3 more cm to go, so maybe a couple hours. (side note- after the epidural is good and working Casey asks the anesthesiologist what medicine they use- same as what they use in your mouth for dental work!)

1:30 Feeling tons of pressure down there- the nurse told me to tell her this because that meant I was ready. Nurse checks to see I’m a 9 and calls doctors. I couldn’t believe I had bumped up so fast and also totally stoked I didn’t have to wait a few more hours. I was thinking "I can't wait to meet these babies! It won't be much longer!" The next 20 minutes were the longest EVER. Although I had my epidural the pressure just kept building down there that it was it was to the point of uncomfortably painful. I was moaning and breathing through each contraction and I just kept thinking oh my heck, I’m so glad I have an epidural. I could still move my feet and legs a bit and had enough muscle control to move my body when they needed me to, pretty cool. Casey throws on scrubs they give him and we get ready to go!

1:40ish they rush-wheel me down the hall to the operating room (all twins are delivered in OR's in case of emergency) asking for my verbalized consent for c-section and a blood transfusion in case of emergency (hello, of course). My eyes are closed a lot of this time just trying to get through the contractions and all that mounting pressure. I couldn’t believe it was just increasing and increasing.

We get into the OR and it’s so sterile in there. White. Strange objects. No purpose in making the place look “cozy” for patients, all strictly down to business. I’m gripping the side rails for support through the contractions. They ask me to move to a new bed right next mine by shimmying over with shoulders, again I was so surprised with my amount of control of my body compared to my last experience. I’m laying on my side waiting to get this show on the road, still dying through each contraction that brought about incredible pressure. This is also where I begin crying realizing I could truly have one of these babies vaginally and the second C-section if plans didn’t work out for the doctors and me. I was remembering how much energy and effort it took to get Maxson out and I was fearing what lye ahead for this delivery. I couldn't possibly push for 2 hours! I kind of start to feel alone. I hear people, I know there’s commotion, but where exactly was Casey? How long was this going to go on for? This is when I remember, hello, Kimber, PRAY! And right then I begin praying in my heart and mind so heart for me and these babies to be safe, for the doctors to do their best, for a C-section not to be performed, for strength to get through these contractions, for this whole process to go fast. Tears are coming through each contractions due to both my fears and my actual pain level, when would this end?

 I hear someone say Dr Neri has arrived, soon after Dr Bowers comes in front of me to inform me she’s there too and we’re going to get these babies out!

Stirrups up and going, legs up, they let me know that with the next contraction I feel I can push and bare down. Apparently as soon as my legs go up you can see Baby A is right there.  I think I remember hearing this, which gave me a little confidence that this wasn’t going to be another two hour pushing session. Dr. Bowers directs me a little with breathing and pushing which was so great. It burns. I could feel a small portion what they call that “ring of fire.” I think I pushed 3 times with one contraction and felt the strangest sensation; it was like a giant wet fish falling out.

1:54 Bryson Woodruff Cutler was born weighing 5#10.8oz, 19 ¼ inches

I pull myself up and watch him. He cries after about 3-5 seconds. Arms and legs flailing. All the white goo all over him, I had never seen that before. I have no clue what the doctors are doing to him, I’m just watching him my little baby who is here, one has made it! They immediately put him on my chest, all dirty and everything, just what I wanted. They place a blanket over him and I get to just cuddle and hold this new precious baby. I couldn’t believe how happy I was. The pain leading up to this moment completely disappeared from my memory. I kissed his little baby face and just hugged him close to my body; so happy he made it to me!





At some point before Quinn is born they take Bryson to the NICU nurses on the side to be looked over.

Not sure if or when I’m holding Bryson through this next part but they then break Quinn’s water. Again a ginormous gush of water, more than anyone is expecting. And now begins TONS of pressure. This pressure is Dr Neri trying to find Baby B’s head and turn it head down. I think she keeps only being able to grab one foot though she keeps trying over and over again. Finally I hear her say “Ok I got 2 feet, just need to pull him down.” I am relieved, no C-Section!

I push maybe once or twice, can’t really remember, definitely didn’t have to push as hard with this baby as I did the first but the same feeling again. I remember the point where I knew his body had gotten out except for his head, and I felt like this was the moment of truth: this baby had to come out with this push. The risk with a breech delivery is the largest part of the baby- the head- coming out last. I push with all my might and I feel the pressure release.

2:00 Quinn Woodruff Cutler was born weighing 6#2oz, 19 3/4 inches

Casey cuts the chord. They take Quinn over to the NICU nurses right away. I hear him cry. More relief, both babies are out and have cried their glorious sounds!
(below are my 2 doctors, Neri on the left, Bowers on the right. Casey is cutting Quinn's chord)



My placenta is uncomfortably delivered (aren’t they all?) She does more digging around making sure everything is out. I am given Bryson back all bundled up and I get to hold and kiss and cuddle him all over again. Lots of tugging and pressure going on down there, I figured some stitches, but who cared? I had enough energy to hold and love my baby right away, I wasn't tired one ounce. I was completely happy. I looked around for Casey and saw him holding our sweet Quinn. He was so small compared to Casey, I love seeing Casey hold our babies!
Dr. Bowers lets me know she’s done, I couldn’t believe how fast the stitches were done this time around, what a relief! She congratulates me and the room starts clearing out just a little. We take our first family picture of 4. I am just on cloud 9. Two babies, TWO BABIES here in our arms! Safe, perfect, no complications, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was!

It all just seemed so much easier compared to last time, I couldn’t believe how easy it seemed to deliver these boys! (It did help that they were 4 weeks smaller gestationally than Maxson…)


We give the babies back to the NICU nurses, this insane inflatable boat type mattress things blows up all around me and they move me back to my bed to be wheeled back to my room around the corner.

The nurses carry the babies back to our room with us. In my room I get to hold Quinn for the first time! I ask if I can nurse him and they say yes of course, go! Quinn latches right away and is a rockstar, it was like riding a bike, I remembered exactly what to do. It’s of course not just me, Quinn is really the one to take all the credit, he knew exactly what to do, I was a proud mama of that boy.

The second nurse comes over and says “Here how about you tandem nurse!” In my mind I was like “Uh…shouldn’t I wait on that?” But there comes Bryson, ready to go!

Bryson doesn’t latch on quite as easily but still goes, I work with him a little and then they both get on at the same time and I look down and I can’t believe it’s happening! I’m nursing my two babies together! That is a big hurdle getting the first latch from both and I’m so happy. They nurse away and I just can’t stop staring at them both smiling from ear to ear, such a wonderful feeling.

After 15-20 minutes we all agreed that they should be taken to the NICU, I felt so blessed I got to have skin to skin and nursing with them both essentially right away after birth, so so so blessed.

The rest of our “initial hospital stay” involved being wheeled by Casey back and forth from the NICU to our room multiple times a day (we were smart and asked for the closest room to the NICU, it did help). We stayed in the boys’ NICU room pretty much as often as we could. We went back to our room  mainly for meals and then at nighttime to sleep. Whenever we went back for meals the nurses would watch us and get as much done with me as possible (blood pressure, ibuprofen, tummy checks, etc) so that would make us stay a little longer.

Recovery has been incredible with these babes. So so so so so so so so so much better than my last. I won’t go into detail but it was way easy. A nurse mentioned to me that the moms with the quickest recoveries are NICU moms and smoker moms because they have somewhere to go. I can see the truth on both those situations. Even beyond what I have control over, my body is responding so remarkably well to the recovery process of birth.


Beyond the boys having to stay in the NICU for what felt like forever, 11 days total, it was a perfectly ideal birth and delivery and I'm so happy the way it all turned out. I daresay I can't wait to do this all again (of course not super soon ha).

Sometimes I still can't believe we have TWO little babies with us!

Thank you everyone for your well wishes!

Saturday, October 18, 2014

In Denial

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO,

We had a doctor's appt on Thursday. Did the ultrasound first and everything looked great. Baby A was head down and Baby B was slightly transverse but easily favorable to become head down. Everything looked great on me and them. The doctor (not my normal Dr, she's out of town) came in and we chatted about delivery and options and things to watch out for all was well. Since I did actually call her Tuesday night (I was consistently having painful contractions for 2 hours about 6 minutes apart, it seemed kinda real at the time- we waited it out and they went away) she checked to see if/how far I was dilated. I was/am at a 3. So she was just sure I'd come into the hospital that weekend while she was on call ha. I reassured her I wouldn't and would be keeping these babies in a tad longer.

The sonographer and doctor left and the nurse came into do my blood pressure. She didn't say anything and began walking out of the room after taking my blood pressure. I immediately asked her what it was (I do that to every nurse because no on tells me what it is themselves and that was the reason they induced me with Maxson) she said some crazy high number like 150/90 something in those number ranges I believe (140/90 is the cut off for "healthy")

I was stunned.

WHAT?

No.

Last week was 110/60 or 70 something. Why in the heck would it just spike. I was sure she needed to check it again.

She didn't (she's not my favorite nurse). I laid down and a couple minutes later the doctor came in to double check it. It was a tad lower but still high. So she said off to the hospital you go to get monitored. She said often times the blood pressure goes down and people get to go home and I was right along side her saying heck ya I'm gonna go home, there's no way I'm having these babies already!

Thinking about it now I did begin swelling up a little/retaining water around Tuesday so I shouldn't have been surprised my blood pressure was…but I still was.

So to the hospital we went. Casey had to cancel his afternoon dental patient (it would be his first root canal! darn, ha). My lovely friends bounced Maxson around between them. And for the next 4 or so hours we hung out in the hospital. They did blood samples (all came back perfectly normal), urine sample (A-OK) and blood pressure checks every 15 minutes. Those hospital grade blood pressure monitors are of the DEVIL. They squeeze the living daylights out of your arm and I literally feel like I am getting my arm cut off!!!!! I think that thing makes my blood pressure higher, I did have to take my ring off that hand.

Casey was beginning to mentally except that we could be having the babies today/tomorrow. But I just kept thinking and saying "No. There is no way we're having them today. It's too early. My doctor is not here. I am not going to have them today. We are going home." I was so surprised he was ok with having them already, ha. On the other hand I think it was just a couple days prior that I said out loud to Casey "I think it would be easier to have them out now and not be pregnant and deal with the NICU than continue like this" but now that I was actually in the situation of it maybe  happening I was like HECK NO!!!!!!!!

Well we were lucky enough to have one of the absolute coolest nurses around. Jaime. We absolutely loved her guts, she was funny and easy going and straight forward and a teensy bit sarcastic. We were just so happy to have her. She assured me she'd get my blood pressure down so I could go home. And she was right!

After a few hours of monitoring and a second opinion from the perinatal specialist, I was released to go home. My blood pressure never went back down to "normal" it kinda stayed in the higher range but it was right there under the cut off so I was good to go!

I was so so so very happy.

So I've been sent home on modified bed rest meaning I can still function and do things as needed (bathroom/food) but if at all possible stay sitting and lay low. I also interpret that as if there's book club, a baby shower etc to go to I can do that since I'll be sitting the whole time anyways, ha.

I just want to make it a little longer, I want to get past the NICU and have them come out as big and healthy as possible (they were measuring around 5#11oz and 5#12oz on Thursday, good boys! [I also can't believe there's almost 12 pounds of baby inside me already, ha]) and come home with me and stay in our hospital room and have a good beginning nursing experience. All hopes, I know, but I am definitely hoping badly for all good things with these twins.

Pictures of the days activity (ya know, in case it really WAS the day)
a. A very unflattering phone picture of my belly size
b. Anti-climatically waiting for the nurse to come take us to our room. It took forever
 a. Casey left for awhile to go visit Maxson and get my hospital bag and I was so borrrrrrred
b. Casey and Maxson's lunch at home
 Maxson wasn't going down for a nap so Casey brought him to come visit because we thought we were going home soon (I don't think I actually went home for at least another hour or more). The 30 minutes Maxson hung out with me was fun and at the same time exhausting on Casey's end because Max wanted to touch EVERYTHING. SO they went home pretty soon after arriving where Max fell asleep in the car. And then as soon as Casey put him down they said they were discharging me and Casey had to immediately come back.
 View from our room. Fall is here in Lincoln and so beautiful.
 Once home this was how I began my bed rest. Pushing Maxson on the swing while I sat in my chair. 


Friends have been so incredible in response to my bed rest, I am completely humbled by their generosity. Offering to bring in meals, come help with Maxson, help clean. They've just been so great. The past few weeks people have been offering to help with Maxson but I've kind of turned it down knowing there might be a chance in the near future I'd truly need their help because of early delivery of the babies or bed rest. So now that I truly need their help I'm so incredibly grateful for it. How lucky I am to be blessed with wonderful friends and neighbors (and a child who willing and excitedly goes to anyone's house).

Of course I'd like to make it as long as possible with these babies in, 37 weeks would be ideal since that's "full term" of a singleton baby but just 36 would be great (which is Wednesday), and beyond that I'd just really like my doctor there which is Monday. We shall see what happens!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Getting pumped up for babies.

Have I ever mentioned how Maxson is OBSESSED with the home videos we make? Seriously, he pays more straight up attention to those than anything else in life. His eyes are glued. He laughs at silly things, he says "no no" on naughty moments or sad moments. His new thing is starting the throw a crying fit when it's time for the video-Maxson to go to sleep. Like tears you guys. He doesn't want it to end. It's super funny.

Well today we were looking at a picture of some babies online (Casey's cousin who had twins a little over a month ago!) and Maxson caught up a glimpse of them and wanted to see more and more! He really does love babies. So I pulled up the 2 videos of him when he's 2-3 months and 4-6 months and he was entranced. He snuggled so close to my face, he giggled at funny parts, he kept pointing and exclaiming "baby!" I kept trying to tell him those videos were of him when he was a baby but I highly doubt he got that. But oh man you guys, watching those videos got me SOOOOOOOOOO excited for these two little boys to come!!!!
At this stage with Maxson I just keep thinking how rather easy it is compared to times in the past: he helps get things for me, he wipes his hands off, he throws (with great force) his dishes in the sink, he opens and closes doors for me, he entertains himself a lot, he truly interacts with me and exchanges words and emotions, etc. It's just so much stinking fun.

And I've been comparing this to what it's like to have  new little baby. Don't get me wrong, I remember babies are cute and cuddly and squishable, but I also remember that they are a lot of work. So many more diaper changes, they want to be held a ton, sometimes they cry and you don't know why, they kinda just lay there for a long time, can't really entertain themselves, definitely no help in the cleaning up department, a little interaction but not interaction like a 2 year old, it's just different. But watching those videos got me SO PUMPED up to be having babies again. They're cute sweetness is overwhelming, watching them grow is incredible, they're so cuddly, they don't make mischief, they're just so sweet!!!! Ah, I cannot wait you guys!!!!

And continuing to watch Max interact with babies right now gets me really excited to be bringing monkeys home to him. We put the pack n play up in our room and other than the fact that he really wants to get in it, he loves to throw put his baby doll in it. Like I said in the videos, he loves to point at them and gets really excited when he sees babies in general. I'm a little worried about the over smothering part and the babies getting boring to him part and the mom is cuddling too much with them i'm jealous part. But eh, we'll deal with it when it comes.

Monday, September 29, 2014

To cloth diaper or not to cloth diaper, that is the question.

Well, we are weeks away from having two more babies join our family. One question I get asked a ton is "So are you going to do cloth diapers?"

Here's the honest truth.

I don't know. I want to, but I do want to make life easy as dang possible on myself.

I'm a firm believer in not cloth diapering for at least the first 6 weeks, you just need to settle into motherhood/a new baby first. But after that I strongly support cloth diapering the first year if/when you are nursing, it's just SOOOOOOOO easy! It really is. So many pros: less expensive, little to no blowouts, soft cushion when they land on their bums, not continually forking out money on diapers. I really did love it with Maxson

On the other hand, I only had one child doing cloth diapers. I didn't have anyone else to worry about really. Max was my main concern, it was just so easy and made sense.

When Max was about 13 months old he began having weird reactions to the cloth diapers. It was really strange, I hadn't switched up my washing routine, the only thing that changed was that he stopped breast feeding. He began going through less diapers/day too. I soon after started to feel pretty yucky because I was pregnant and little excuses like this just kept coming up. So we stopped cloth diapering Maxson and it was fine. I didn't feel a pull to keep cloth diapering him. Once I began feeling better I started thinking about going back to cloth again with Max, but then I learned I was having twins and I was just too overwhelmed with the thought of that to start back up with Max. And then we went on vacation, and then I began having lots of contractions with too much activity, and then I got to be huge pregnant, and then and then and then. So that's cloth diapers with Maxson.

Again, we really loved that first year and wanted to do it again with our next. But then it was twins which would mean I'd have to buy practically a whole new stash of diapers to double my amount for two which would cancel out the awesome benefit that diapering my second child for the first year would be next to free. PLUS it's twins. I'm going to be spending so much time nursing and taking care of them and playing with Maxson and doing many more daily things for my family I think to myself "Do I want to have that one more item of needing to diaper laundry every couple days? If my laundry machine were on my level it may be different. But it's downstairs in the basement and I have to go all the way downstairs to just push a button to put it on the next wash session. I know, sounds lazy but it takes effort! (or maybe just because I'm SO pregnant right now I think it takes too much effort, ha)

So here's where I am.

Do I buy more cloth diapers and go for it with the twins? I'll be saving a lot of money that first year (I will need to fork out $200+ for 12 more diapers and new inserts for the diapers I already have used [inserts lose their absorbency after about 18 months] and soap for these diapers)

Do I sell what I have, cut my losses and just go full out disposable? I just don't want to deal with blowouts! But I completely admit, sometimes disposables are really convenient: you slap it on and when you take it off it's just thrown away never to be thought about again. I'll be spending anywhere from $75-$100 a month on diapers I bet though and there will be 3 of them in diapers for I don't know how long.

Do I do a little of half and half? It'll still save me some money, I won't have to commit to one way or the other. But will I resent the cloth diapers? Will I resent spending the money on disposables when I use those? Sometimes when you do things you just can't go halfsies, ya know?


Blah, I just can't decide.

I have decided that if I do end up doing cloth diapers I won't start until we get back from our Christmas vacation which will be mid January, so if you feel so inclined to donate to the Cutler twin cause size 1 diapers would be greatly appreciated wink wink ;)

Any opinions out there?

Friday, July 18, 2014

the difference 5 days makes

you guys, i kid you not, the difference in these pictures is FIVE DAYS.
FIVE DAYS!
#growinglikeaweed (or watermelon)

the first pics were taken on tuesday and the second ones on sunday.
holy moly that's growth!
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22 weeks
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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

2 of everything

i feel like i'm beginning to accumulate 2 of everything in my life because of these twins. wow twins are way more expensive than a single child. i mentioned this to a mom the other day who has twins boys and then 1 younger boy, and she totally disagreed. i was mainly referring to clothes, so she said just do laundry twice as often, but that is not the case. so here is my list of everything that i will need twice the amount of the same size because it's twins:

winter coats.
winter boots.
tennis shoes.
church shoes.
shoes in general really (snow boots, rain boots, sandals, water shoes, etc)
swimsuits.
swim diapers.
church clothes (especially white shirts).
sports gear.
winter hats.
winter gloves.
snow pants.
fleece lined pants (maxson wore that 1 pair like all of winter).

and other items in life you must have 2 of:
carseats.
cribs.
pack-n-plays (because we're a traveling type of people)
high chairs.
sports gear yet again.
skis/snowboards.
baby carriers (ergo/bjorn etc)

and the list goes on. there's plenty more stuff i'm missing that twin moms end up buying 2 of because they twins and i will deal with that when i come to it, but for now, yes twins are much more expensive. ooy...


Monday, June 9, 2014

boys, girls, or both?

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BOYS!
adding 2 more boys to the family!
maxson was just happy he sneaked like 5 million cookies all night

post to come about the gender reveal party

Sunday, June 1, 2014

babies racing through my mind

here is another post written 4 days after finding out we're having twins.

**this turned into a word vomit, my apologies**

the thought of twins is still consuming my mind. we are on day 4 of having heard this news and it's still surreal. i bring the ultrasound pictures with me everywhere, like even to bed at night people. i'm constantly having to remind myself it's real and i just want to keep looking at the TWO babies in there, TWOOOOOO!!!! that is so wild!

our talk constantly consists of "well when the twins get here" "what about the twins" "how will that work with twins" it's always "the twins." is that the best way to refer to them? do you think they'd be preferred to be called "the babies" or "both babies" instead of "the twins?" i don't really know. it's just crazy we're having TWO babies!

here's all the stuff that is constantly running through my mind

- are we going to fit in our house anymore?
- i think we need a new car. (hello mini van!)
- what stroller are we going to buy? a double? a triple? a jogger? all those options cost a butt load
- will maxson have to wear a leash because i'll be too exhausted to let him run and legitimately chase him? i never wanted to put a kid on a leash!
- how do you breastfeed TWO babies at the same time?
- i'm positive i won't get a full night's sleep until they're 2 years old.
- i will be 24 with 3 kids UNDER the age of 2, not even 2, UNDER 2. i was never planning to be that mom.
- learning that you're expecting twins is like learning you're pregnant when you had no intentions to become so "what?! i'm pregnant/having twins? how did that happen? what will we do? our worlds are going to turn upside down!!"
- mine and casey's arms will NEVER be empty from once they're born until they're 2, one of us will always be wrangling 2 of our 3 wild things.
- the messes 1 toddler makes, multiplied by two? and maxson is still in the mix...
- oh my gosh the messes alone maxson will make while i'm nursing those babies. let's be real, it's totally easy to walk around while nursing 1 baby, not all that hard, 2 would be legitimately impossible.
- how will i ever go to the pool again once they're here? there's no way all 4 of us could be safe under just my watch.
- there's no way i could handle 2 more boys at the same time as maxson. that would be like three tornado-maxsons running rampant in my life? i think i will literally go crazy (you watch, of course i'm going to have twin boys now since i said it, ha)
- let's be honest, ideally my preferentials of the babies' genders are boy-girl, girl-girl, boy-boy. twin boys on top of maxson sounds SO HARD!!!!!!!
- where will everyone sleep in our small tiny house?
- will maxson get enough attention and love and cuddles with twin babies around?
- if these are twin boys OH MY GOSH they along with casey and max will eat so much food, how will i ever feed them all? it'll be like cooking for an army every night!
- i thought going to the temple now was hard having to ask someone to watch very active maxson, how will we ever go once the twins come?
- max is going to run through church like a wild thing and there will be practically nothing we can do to stop it since both our arms will be full of babies.
- my belly is going to be GINORMOUS! i was huge with max, let's be honest i don't grow gracefully when it comes to pregnancy, i'm going to look like 40 weeks with max at 28 weeks with twins.
- so many diaper changes those first 6 months. OH MY HECK.
- i won't get asked to do nearly as many things because "oh she has twins"… that could go for better or worse
- we're never going to fly again. and me alone is COMPLETELY out of the question. even if casey were to come too there would be 5 of us in 1 row! i think you'd have to have the parents in separate rows, have to
- when will i ever shower?
- i will literally never get a break because if i go somewhere i'll ask casey to watch the kids but probably take pity on him and take one baby
- i always ask people "what was the hardest transition 1 to 2 or 2 to 3 (or really 0 to 1 is huge)" i think my 1 to 3 may take the cake…
- i wish we were out of the "we're in school" stage when having twins so i could hire more teenagers to come over and watch all my babies to get my sanity back (and get a cleaning lady…)
- speaking of cleaning, my floor will be so nasty with 3 children around, so nasty…
- i think i'm going to force CONSTANT white noise on the twins while sleeping. they're going to have to pretty much always share a room with someone in some form or another and they're going to have to learn how to sleep through it
- there's join to be FIVE people in our family pictures now! poor maxson may never get held for them :(
- i'm going to get really buff trucking around 2 babies in each arm. if they are made out of any of the same genes max is, i've got two more mini tanks coming my way (i keep asking max when he's going to lose some weight, he doesn't seem to be listening)
- the first year is going to be stinking hard but after that, i think it's going to get much easier. i lie, one year olds almost seems like more work than x month olds…
- there will be THREE playmates in my house! i hope one doesn't get left out…
- i always knew casey was/is going to be the ultra fun dad around, and now with twins, that's been even more solidified in my mind.
- i'm so grateful he is a baby whisperer and has so much patience with babies, i seriously got SOO lucky with that mixed with this pregnancy
- i'm going to eat so much food over the next 6 months. ooy
- if this is 2 boys i'm going to have to send out 2 of my sweet boys on missions at the exact same time! and they'll overlap maxson's!
- if this is 2 girls i'm going to have to pay for 2 weddings at nearly the exact same time!!!!!!
- i heard casey say he kinda wants two boys so they can be the star basketball players on a team together, hahaha. but i think realistically he wants a boy and a girl too
- they will be wheeling TWO babies in and out of my hospital room, woah.

regardless of all my concerns and fears, i am beginning to be so thoroughly STOKED for twins! i think the initial fear, worry, and scare of twins has worn off. we've come to grow around the idea of twins and it's sinking in to what our idea of "our normal life" is, that's crazy. i really am so excited and thrilled at the thought of having twins. never in my wildest dreams did i imagine i'd be a mom of twins (actually the week before my dr. appointment i did have  dream i had twins! they were so little and for some reason i let my mom take care of them immediately while i went off to the romney family reunion, what kind of mother am i!?!?! she only fed them rice cereal!!!! once i realized what i had done i forced my mom to give them back to me when they were 2 days old and started breast feeding them as much as i could, ha. definitely a dream, not a vision)

everyone (for the most part) we've told has been so supportive of our news. mothers and grandmothers insisting them come for weeks at a time to help and more often after that, friends saying "if anyone can do it it's you and casey", and brothers saying "wow, i don't envy you" (those weren't supportive comments but that is what they all said, ha). i've also had a handful of people tell me they've heard of so many twins being born totally spontaneously to families that don't have twins in their family lately that they think it's heavenly father's way of sending down children as quickly as He needs to good families. and i believe that. the want of children in our culture has changed and that makes me so sad. it is so crazy fun to be a mom, SO crazy fun (and exhausting and difficult and trying) but oh man the joy you get from it, the love that child gives back to you is worth more than all the gold and treasure this earth has to offer.

i feel so blessed to be a mother on this earth at this time. i know it's going to be really hard with my kids when they're teenagers because of all the filth this world has to offer, but casey and i will fight our hardest on the front battle lines with these kids to defend our faith and beliefs and our family unit so we can return as a family to our heavenly father for all eternity. there is NOTHING that will stand in the way of our family goal.

so bring on the twins! bring on the babies! we are ready, and willing, and eager for the task!


Thursday, May 29, 2014

FAQ when having twins

how did you find out?
i went in to my doctor for my first appointment at 11 weeks. per usual, they do ultrasounds at every appointment no matter what, it's wonderful. so my doctor began the ultra sound starting with the black and white 2D one (the x-ray looking type). we saw the baby and i was just so happy to finally be meeting out baby! it was the first initial picture and it all makes it so real, it's a beautiful experience. she took some measurements, we listened to the heartbeat which was fabulous i was just so happy to see my baby in there with a beating heart. she then switched to the 4D ultrasound picture and we saw this:
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i thought it was just a glitch in the technology that somehow it slowed and duplicated the picture since the 2 look the same and are facing the same way. i saw her lean forward, pause for the slightest second, switch back to the 2D and she started doing some fishing round my abdomen moving from one ball area to another after a couple of times she said "i can't believe i missed that (then switching back to the 4D) you're having twins!"

what was your initial reaction?
there's no denying it when you're there in the room looking at the ultra sound and two babies moving around on the screen. tears were immediate. tears of amazement and excitement, what an amazing blessing! but i was SUPER surprised and shocked and then overwhelmed at the thought and then "how in the world could this have possibly happened?" went through my mind. just so surprised. then when the doctor left the room i just left my hands on my face (like the home alone face) thinking about it all. during the rest of the appointment it was just a lot of shock. once the appointment was over was when the tears really started to come down mostly just tears of "oh my gosh, how are we going to do this?" and then the nurses walked in to get me to bring me to the nurses room to talk over regular pregnancy things, it was real hard to stop those tears because i thought i was going to have a little time to just let it all go, ha.

what was casey's initial reaction?
disbelief. i came home and just showed him the picture right away. he did not believe me "no. where did you get this? who's picture is this? this isn't yours right? no way. no way." and then that just continued for a few minutes until he came to accept it! he was just as stunned and surprised as i was.

what was your parents' reactions?
kinda the same as casey's. everyone super close to us didn't believe us at first when they saw the picture but then they kinda just have to. it's just something you totally wouldn't anticipate and not on your radar at all.

how did you tell your family?
we tried facetiming as many people as we could, firstly our family members. we told them oh hey, we went to the doctor today and wanted to show you a picture, that's when they pretended they were interested and said ok (an 11 week ultrasound is usually pretty ho-hum), once they were able to get a clear view of the picture most everyone gasped with a "is that twins/are there 2 babies/oh my gosh two/twins??" we loved everyone's reactions so much. that's been once of the best things these past few weeks: telling family and close friends the news in person, it's SOOO fun to see/get to hear their reactions!

do twins run in your family?
nope

were you on fertility drugs/IVF?
nope (you wouldn't believe how many not close people ask me this question for how much of a very personal question this is)

are you planning on breastfeeding them both?
crossing my fingers yes! i know it's going to take ALL my time it will feel like but you gotta have goals. if i need to supplement with formula here and there it will be just fine

are you going to move homes?
i don't know. i hope not, but then again 5 people in our little place???? ooy. the first 6 months won't be bad since they're so small and not mobile, it'll be that last year of dental school that could potentially break us, ha. but it might be worth it us to cram in that small place for a year because of the support system of friends on the street and the ease of being able to just walk out your front yard to hang out with friends instead of needing to pack 3 kids up in the car to go hang out with friends. i'm hoping we can make it work! (and then we'll super duper appreciate a bigger house when we get out of dental school)

are you scared?
not really. that first day of finding out i was super overwhelmed and a tad bit scared, but you just get used to the idea and you come to accept it! so nope, just more excited and maybe a tiny apprehensive about making it all work. having twins has completely become our new normal

do you have to get a c-section?
i don't have to. if the twins are in good positions to deliver vaginally then we're going to go for it. the thought of twins, breastfeeding, a BUSY 2 year old, and stairs all around and a c-section does slightly scare me.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

twins! twins? twins!!!!

thank you for all the congratulations, make the news new all over again! i am 15 weeks now and feeling great! more on the actual pregnancy to come later this week for now:

**written the day after finding out we were having twins**

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oh boy yesterday may have been the biggest surprise of my life. finding out that you're having twins when it's the most unexpected thing that could you ever find out in your pregnancy is the biggest shock in the entire world. seriously, it has been such an overwhelming day. the joy, the excitement, the shock, the fear, the blessing, the adventure, wow, it just throws you for a whirlwind!

all day long  that was the constant thing that dwelt in my mind. not just that i am pregnant which is still super exciting but the fact that there will be two, two, TWO babies in there and coming out into the world at the same time. i am still just so overwhelmed at the thought of having twins, i can't believe it's real. i mean, i know it's real for sure, i was right there in the ultra sound. like many others i didn't have to say "no way, you're kidding me? are you sure" there's no denying it when you're looking at a picture/video/ultra sound of TWO little babies wiggling like crazy. it was just SHOCKING. (shocking and overwhelming are the two golden words of the day, the sum up my emotions the best)

the thing is, i am a sleeper, it's like my hobby, one of my favorite hobbies. if that sounds super lazy i know it is, i know, it's totally a problem in my life. well you can only imagine how difficult it was for me to go to bed the night we found out about twins! i was face timing people all day to share our joyous news, it was just so hard to keep in! the people i was talking to later into the night my excuse to end the conversation was that i needed to go to bed because i was tired, which i was. i usually go to bed between 10-10:30 since becoming pregnant, but although i was tired my mind was still racing too much! people kept finally calling back, or i'd have an idea to call just one more person, and then casey and i just kept talking in bed, and before i knew it it was past midnight and i still wasn't asleep. i did finally fall asleep after over an hour or so laying in bed with the thought of twins running through, but once i awoke at 4:50 to go to the bathroom (i have to go the bathroom in the middle of the night always, literally starting the night i find out i'm pregnant, so silly) i COULD NOT go back to sleep. my mind was on and the thought of twins was back to racing in my mind. i can't begin to tell you how weird this is for me, i can always fall back to sleep, anywhere, anytime, no matter the circumstance i am your girl. by 6:15 i called it quits and got up to make myself french toast. wow, the difference twins has already made in my life!!!!

tomorrow: twin FAQ's

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

we have a secret(s) to share!

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wait a second, let's take a closer look...
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indeed,
two babies! 
TWINS!
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we're shocked, thrilled, nervous, overwhelmed, excited, apprehensive but most of all grateful for this monumentous surprise in our lives!
full term on november 5th :)

lots of blog posts coming this week all about our thoughts and questions we get asked, check back soon!