After listening to Elder Bednar's recent CES devotional I made an effort to find various LDS centered accounts to follow on Instagram, thus far I had only followed friends or bloggers I really like. Well today the mormon channel IG account posted this video:
Heavenly Father knew I needed to watch this video today. I was completely pitying myself all morning long.
Last night at 11:30 pm I went into Maxson's room trying to find the humidifier to use in my room for the night since I had had not the best night the night before with a stuffy nose. Of course I woke him up and after Casey and I trying to get him down multiple times to sleep I ended up getting up with him at 12:20 and bringing him downstairs to play in the dark and not just cry/scream in his crib.
I was exhausted by 1:30 and grateful he didn't fight me going to sleep yet again. I figured since he'd lost 2 hours of sleep that night he'd sleep in; not the case.
8 am wake up call came around, I didn't have a great night sleeping once again because of my nose and now I woke up with a terrible chesty cough that hurt, oh and I'm 8 months pregnant with twins if that makes a difference in the kind of quality sleep you can actually get.
I decided to get up with Max and let Casey keep sleeping since he'd been missing out on so much sleep recently from staying up studying for a test.
And side note, the night before I had about killed myself by having to go grocery shopping at 9:30 pm thus killing my back and giving me tons of contractions. This grocery shopping trip was a big one because we were literally out of everything because grocery shopping is overall really too strenuous on me.
I was banking on the fact that when Casey got up, he could watch Max, and I'd go back to sleep since he didn't have class until 1. He awoke at 9:40, showered real quick all to run off to a physical therapy appointment I didn't know about at 10.
I was struggling. I didn't want to have to put a movie on for Max or give him my phone and he just kept getting into small things that would be better that he didn't. He wasn't really into playing with toys by himself either. I was not feeling so hot with being pregnant achy, and now cold/cough achy, and tired from the night. I just wanted a break. At the same time I couldn't ask a friend to help out because I didn't want to chance sharing this cold of mine. I let him play in the bath for awhile which was good entertainment for a little but at the same time it takes so much effort to get him back clothed and not wild after a bath for some reason.
I was constantly looking at the clock hoping for Casey to come back, counting down until I thought he'd arrive. I finally opened up one of the family year books, 2013, and got Max to sit by me and look at the pictures while we pointed out everyone he recognized, family, friends, mom, dad, etc. Luckily that kept his attention until Casey got home, hallelujah.
I was so happy to have my halftime for a little until Casey had to go back to school at 12 for a lunch thing that I again didn't know about. While he was putting on Maxson's shoes to go outside, he mentioned that I left the van door open again all night long. Being in the vulnerable state I was, I blew up.
As I marched madly upstairs before I said too much I mentioned how HE was the one last night bringing in the groceries from the car, not myself.
I went to my bed fuming for being blamed for the door, fuming that Max hadn't slept in, fuming that I was sick and it wasn't even that comfortable to lay down, fuming that I have 2 more months of uncomfortable sleep still, and then to top it off one of the babies must have been kicking the top of my rib because I've never felt pain like that before, it was excruciating.
All I wanted to do was sleep but all the outside factors wouldn't let me. As I laid there I thought to myself "I should pray. That would help me right now." My tiredness got the best of me before I could act.
After about 20 minutes I heard a soft "mama?" coming from the stairs. "Mama?" getting louder "mama?" His voice was so sweet and pure that it brought a smile to my face, I wasn't sleeping anymore (although pretending to do so) but rolled around to see him at the side of my bed with red donut crumbs all over his face and hands (the main reason I was coaxed in to going to the grocery store last night for a big shopping trip was for a donut. But because I went so late they only had the already boxed up ones where you couldn't pick what you wanted. I failed in my box selection because I nearly hated every single donut in there, fail.)
I cleaned him off and pulled him into bed next to me where a big smile spread across his face. We went through a bunch of the same antics, he'd try to wake me up and I'd tell him "mama's sleeping you sleep too" he'd then lay down and nuzzle his little head towards mine and after about 10 seconds get up, go to his room, find a book, bring it in to me, make me pull him up on the bed, he'd ask for me to read it and then we'd start all over.
Then I convinced him to get his monkey so he could fall asleep with mama. He got his monkey, came back into a cuddled with me for maybe 30 seconds this time. Then he gave me monkey to sleep with while he read books next to me vocalizing all the pages in his little toddler talk, putting books on my face wanting me to read them, and continuing. After 10 minutes I realized he kept yawning and rubbing his eyes so I texted Casey to ask him to put Max to bed. So finally at 11:45 Max went to sleep without a fuss.
Now was meant for my sleep time, I'd catch up, I thought! Again, no such luck. My mind kept racing of things I needed to get done or really the things I needed/wanted to get done today but knew I wouldn't because of the way I was feeling. I kept needing to cough and sneeze giving me more contractions. I was uncomfortable. I couldn't breathe. It was just a nap that was meant to go no where.
That takes me to right now. I came down stairs to zone out on the computer for awhile, I looked through IG and found this video and the tear gates opened.
Although I feel like an absolute failure today I have my reasons. I am sick. I am growing two babies inside me. I am still giving Maxson love and attention and helping him grow. I did do dishes so Casey didn't have to later. Today I am not able to reach outside my home to help others like the amazing woman in this video but I can reach outside myself and help my family within my home. The little boy's prayer was my favorite "We're grateful we got everything done you wanted us to do today."
The Lord is our answer, our rock, our comforter, our Redeemer. His to-do list is always more important than ours. With His strength and our faith in Him, we can do it all, all as in what is truly necessary.
I'm grateful for this little video that brought me back to perspective. I'm grateful to be a mom with Casey by my side and the Lord pushing and pulling me forward when I've lost strength.
I'm grateful to be a daughter of God.