Newborn twins: a video

Our (very rough and very homemade) video of the twins from their first few hours and days alive. Also the first time Maxson gets to meet them as well as hold them! I've watched this video a million times and have all the words memorized and I know I will cherish these 3 minutes oh so very much in the future. Do enjoy!

go here if you can't see video

GOING HOME DAY!

The night before we were all to be discharged Casey texted me this picture. It got me so excited! We were officially ready to be bringing the twins home! Car seat bases in, middle seat taken out, and Maxson's seat moved to the back (I think once visitors leave we'll see if we can fit Max in between the twins.)

We were to be discharged the morning of Halloween! I was so giddy. Woke up pretty early (a half hour before their feeding) and got the room and all our stuff all ready to go! The nurses brought in these sweet Halloween gifts to us.

The carseats sat there waiting for bbies to be placed in them for what seemed like forever!

The Parents NICU group (alumni members) make costumes for all the NICU babies. Sweetest gesture ever! It really just made my heart so happy that they'd have Halloween costumes! Two cute little M&M's.

We were discharged right when Casey arrived and we piled those boys in their carseats! So tiny!

 Casey and I were so excited to take them downstairs and introduce them to Maxson!

When we pushed the stroller out of the elevator, Max came a running over so interested in what we were pushing. He immediately peaked his head into the lower car seat, picked up the blanket and with an intrigued smile on his face kept saying "babies, babies?" He looked at us questioningly and then went to peak at the other brother. He went back and forth between carseats doing the same thing over and over. He seemed so very happy!

 As soon as we began pushing the stroller he was all over in helping with that, he loves pushing any and all stroller pushing.

 First family picture of 5! Notice Maxson is still so very interested in the babies.

 Once we brought everyone inside Max decided it was all his business to keep pushing the pacifiers in the babies' mouths. Ha, he still loves to do that over and over, and taking them out of their mouths too ha.

 We immediately asked if he wanted to hold the babies. He got a big twinkle in his eye and starred at us while he grunted (his version of yes, ha). He jumped onto the couch for us, reached his arms out and asked for "babies!" As soon as we placed one baby in his arms, he pointed to the other saying he wanted that one too, ha. He still always does that, points to the second baby as soon as the first has been placed in his arms. My heart wanted to EXPLODE with fireworks and confetti watching him interact with our new babies. I was on cloud 10199347. Pure bliss.

 And then our first attempts at an ok family picture of 5, funny experience. I realize the circus has only just begun.

 When we brought Bryson and Quinn home we had them give a present to Maxson. It was meant to be an entertaining gift for him while he came to the hospital to visit us all but that didn't really work out. He didn't know or care though so it's ok. He opened a remote control race car. He'd been obsessed with our neighbor's one for months so I knew this was the perfect gift. Boy was I right. We then had Maxson in return give the babies their BYU stuffed animals. I was/still am impressed that Maxson so eagerly gives the animals to them and doesn't try to hoard them to himself, haha. As you can see he was more than happy to keep giving them to the babies.

How to survive the NICU

I think I had a pretty cushy NICU experience. I was allowed to hold my boys as much as I wanted. They always breasted. They weren't sick nor was there anything seriously wrong with them.

That being said here's my tips for staying in the NICU

1. Have your computer to watch some show on. I watched so much Friends while there. While I pumped, Friends was on, it made the time go by so much more quickly. My room didn't get internet so I couldn't do much online unless I used my phone. (I bet you anything I'm going to get arthritis in my fingers and thumb when I'm old…"

2. Have a long chord for your phone to charge it

the boys' side

 Turn around and there's my side. I had a little curtain I could pull back and forth for a little privacy

 3. Bring chocolates for the nurses and doctors. We went through two of these bags. We brought them out as soon as labor started and it was so nice to tell anyone who came into our room "Oh and take a chocolate as a thank you from us." They were always so surprised and it meant a lot to them it seemed

4. Wash and sanitize your hands endlessly. This was our sink area (they put their weights on the wall for us each night)

 5. Make friends with the nurses and doctors. Make an effort to get to know them and ask questions. It helps the time go by more quickly and then you form fun relationships with them. On the left was our main daytime nurse: Jeannie. She reminded me of Chummy from Call the Midwife, haha. On the right was the main neonatologist we worked with: Dr. Tan. She was great and knew the perfect things to say when I as a parent had hit my low.

6. Go to any meetings for your child as possible. At our hospital they had "rounds" every morning where they'd go through all the NICU babies individually with a bunch of the staff. All parents are welcome to come in for their baby. You are the best advocate for your child. Because I was there and explained situations they didn't know about (freezing cold rooms) Bryson came home 3 days earlier than he would have if I hadn't been there at the meeting. It's good for the doctors nd nurses to know how much you care and want to be involved and in the know.

7. Read your scriptures, the Ensign, and conference talks. Oh man, I teared up and cried almost every time I read anything. The words I read in those pages and talks lifted my soul each time and reminded me I am not alone through it all, that Christ was feeling my pain. I was reminded that everything is done in the Lord's timing and His will is more important than mine. I read talks on overcoming trials. I happened to read Ensign articles that spoke of other's experiences of their babies in NICU worse off than mine. I was always so inspired by everything I read, I knew it was the Lord's way of helping me through this time.

More NICU pictures

So after the initial day of labor and delivery, Casey and I both stayed in the hospital for the normal "48 hour" stay. He'd wheel me back and forth from their room to ours. He had to go to school a few times and he went home to see Max a few times too. I can't really remember leaving much ha. The babies, sleep, and food were my main focuses. 

After the first 2 nights I was able to stay in my hospital room for one more night on their "almost home" program where you can stay one more night without nurse care. My mom stayed with me this night to wheel me back and forth for night feeding since Casey had a big test the next day he was studying for a ton and needed better sleep. 

The following 8 days I pretty much lived in the boys' NICU room. it really wasn't bad at all. I was there always to nurse them, to change diapers, to soothe cries, to hear alarms go off, to sleep along side them, to cuddle, etc. I'm so grateful there was a bed in that room for me! Mom and Casey visited as much as they could, this is the only time in our lives really that it would have been SOOOOO much more convenient to have a second car but we made it work. A couple friends visited too. But here's just more pictures of day to day!

Also I forgot to mention that on the very first day we spent cuddling the twins, while we each had one in our arms, we held them close and sang a very quiet happy birthday to them. I felt like it was such a special moment we got to share with them.

 Q, B

 B, B

 The day Quinn became chord/wire free was so exciting! He was allowed to stay in the NICU with us until Bryson was discharged, the nurses just couldn't help out with him.

 Q

 B, B

 Q, B

 B, Q

 Closer look at those scrumptious baby faces.

The NICU: the good, bad, and the ugly // One week in

**A lot of this was written after being in the NICU one full week. It was at this point where I was hitting my ultimate low. During my meeting with the doctors, called rounds, is when I broke down crying because Bryson had had an alarm go off in the middle of the night which mean they'd want him to stay an additional 5 days after that day. I didn't think they should count that alarm since the room was freezing that night and that wasn't Bryson's fault. The alarm would also mean Quinn would go home days sooner than Bryson and I didn't know how I would do it with one at home and one at the NICU because it was really important for me to be there for both to breastfeed them both. It was a super hard day on me, the boys didn't seem like they needed to be there anymore and it was frustrating**

Ugh, those 3 words carry more weight to them than you realize.

Firstly, of course the NICU is a wonderful place for babies in need of it (mine included). They are truly taken such good care of. Everyone knows what they’re doing and is very experienced. Technology is amazing next to the knowledge the doctors and nurses hold. They truly want the best for your baby and want them to succeed.

Q, B

That being said, the NICU is not an easy place to be as a parent, especially a nursing mother. Every ounce of me wants to stay with these twins at all times and be their soul provider. Most the time this is possible thanks to my wonderful husband and mother who take good care of Maxson and bring me food to sustain all this nursing. But night time is HARD. I don’t have a private room so I hear everything at night, babies’ noises, monitors beeping, people in the hall. The first night was rough, rough rough rough I tell ya. The next night I went home for two feedings and pumped while they just formula fed the babies (more on that later). It killed me to go home but I also I understood I needed to shower and sleep in a more sound place to get good sleep. But really I didn't get any better sleep than I did in the NICU because I just worried about them constantly. I then decided the rest of the time here I’d do every other night at home vs at the NICU. But last night was GREAT! The boys were quiet, no beeping went off, I actually got great sleep! So maybe I'll just stay at the NICU every night (which is what I ended up doing)

The other not so fun stuff about the NICU is it’s such an excursion to get up here: way down the hall, check out at the desk, down the elevator, way out the entrance. That's a lot of walking for a woman who just birthed two babies no matter how well recovery is going. It just seems sometimes not worth it to go take a break outside, I think I only have 3 times total and that’s been to see Max. I’m lucky I have the “suite” room, it’s the biggest and his has huge windows on two sides, the corner gives me a great view of Lincoln during this fall time and I’m ever grateful for it.

All the check marks these boys have to pass through seems endless.  They’re slowly getting enough check marks that maybe we can see a going home date in our near future. There’s a couple things that they have to go a certain amount of days in a row until they’re good on that and if they miss one day they’re back to the beginning of the count (there’s one that is FIVE days and has been KILLING me!)

Now if you remember my initial nursing experience with Maxson, you can recall it took a little while for my milk to come in, and supplementing with formula killed me a little at first. I knew it was the ultimate end to my goal but it was still really hard to give him it and not be his soul provider. Well this time around it was a lot easier for me to be ok with it, sure I hoped that my milk would come in sooner but I was emotionally prepared to giving them formula in hopes that in time I’d produce enough milk for the both of them. At first they limited their formula intake and in time they kept bumping the amount they were allowed up and up. They’re to the point where they’re allowed to have as much of it as they want. Of course gaining weight is going to help them achieve all those check marks sooner most likely which would mean we’d get to go home sooner but I really hate they they’re being offered so much formula. When they’re done nursing they are completely zonked out and not interested in anything going in their mouth. But then a bottle is put into their little mouth and since stuff is just freely coming out of it with little to no work on their part they just eat and eat and eat and eat becoming stuffed to the brim. I think they’d do just fine with either way less formula or me just nursing way more often, I’m completely willing to do that!

Q

Also, I can’t eat in the rooms the babies are in, normally I would snack a lot during the day to keep up my calorie intake but that’s not really allowed. I have to walk to the furthest section away from me in the NICU to sit in a special room and eat. It’s stupid. I want to just be with my babies as much as I possibly can, that means even when I’m eating!

B (first time with pacifier, it seemed so big compared to his face!)

 Q, B

I’m lucky that I get to hold them and cuddle them as much as I want, it’s the best thing ever. But I don’t get to fully do it. I want to just lay them next to me on a bed or couch and stare at them. I want to lay them next to each other and let them just sleep side by side. I just want to be the mom and decide everything for them. I’m so ready too take them home!

Now that I’m done with most my negatives, there are positives to being in the NICU. 1) I get to hold and cuddle them as much as I want and not feel obligated to do anything else, mainly play with Maxson. I spend a lot of time nursing the two and the bottle feeding them the formula and then pumping immediately after that. By the time I would be done with that I would feel an overwhelming pull to play with Max. I’m glad I can just focus all my attention on these newborn babies just like I did with Max 2) Although I have to worry about what I’m going to eat at each meal because I’m dependent on people bringing me stuff, I don’t have any control on making anything which is nice 3) The nurses have been a huge help to me with juggling this nursing two thing. It’s really helped me learn how to breastfeed both at the same time (can’t believe I can do it, ha!).

With all these good and bad things I’ve said about the NICU I’ve not mentioned the emotional toll it’s taken. It’s hard being in the NICU alone almost all the time. It’s hard being away from Casey and Maxson. It’s hard not being in control. It’s hard not having your private space. It’s hard not having the ideal experience I wished for with these two babes. It’s hard seeing these babies constantly connected to wires. I know it could be harder. I’m grateful that this is my trial and not something worse.

Here’s to hoping and praying these boys get home SOON! That big brother of theirs LOVES babies and is ging to have so have so much with them, I can already imagine the fun he’ll have with them being around!


**I wanted to post this just because that's what I had written while in the hospital. But I'll write another post about my entire NICU stay now looking back at it that we're home now! Reading this I seem so negative, but I was at my lowest. It was overall a relatively good and painless situation**

Selfie plus two

I spent a lot of time in the NICU by myself. Casey had school and patients to attend to and tests to take and study for. He always came everyday to visit but sometimes it just couldn't be for very long. My mom came and visited a ton too but she'd usually have Maxson so I'd go downstairs and visit them. Thus the pictures I sent to family were the same pictures every time: the babies cuddling on me after eating. By far, those were the best hours of my day. All these are from different feeding sessions/days. It's funny how they're all essentially the same ha.

First time holding them both simultaneously, best moment of the hospital

 Q, Q, B

 B, Q

 Q,B

 Q, B

 Q in back, B in front

 Q, B

 B, Q