my 5 guys // Easton's newborn photos

Last night I went to bed after the rest of the crew. Snow softly falling outside, piling up everywhere it could reach. A foot plus with no sign of stopping.

The house was completely dark and quiet and peaceful.

I was just sitting in bed nursing my sweet new baby.

How I love this new sweet baby so much. I fall head over heels with my babies and I forget every time. They are absolute heaven. I want to hold and cuddle and kiss him all day long. How I long to hold him again after putting them down to go to work on the house. It has been incredibly non stressful with baby number 4, I know what I'm doing and have an idea what to expect of various aspects so this time I can just purely enjoy this sweet bundle of joy, because that's truly what he is. He has brought so much love into our family these past few weeks. There were so many times I completely broke down with gargantuan tears the weeks and months before his birth questioning Heavenly Father how I could possibly handle another child when I'm barely keeping the 3 I have and myself alive through the day, why was He sending another?! And now I can see we were missing a piece of love and patience and bonding in our puzzle and Easton has brought that piece to all the members of our family. I love love love this little baby Easton like crazy.

Knowing my husband lay right next to me, happily asleep. He works so hard for our family. Stresses over keeping our family safe, well, cared for. SO often thinking of us before himself. He's a shining example of selfless so much of the time and has no clue. I just cry when I think about how lucky I am to have him. That he chose me. That my favorite person in this whole world also thinks I'm his favorite person. I don't know what I would do without him. He's my rock and my world.

Just across the hall lay my 3 sweet sleeping boys. Max and my other babies. We still call the the twins the babies, we just can't quite quit the habit. Those twins of mine make me want to cry in frustration and cry of sheer joy and love and cuteness at so many moment of the day. They are at such a tender age, so innocent, so loving, so mischievous. They bring me so much joy, I can't believe we have survived twins this far. They have been so hard at times and so much fun. They love me like I am their whole world. They have been so sweet to our new baby, they are such good boys, I hope I can be a good mom for them.

And then sweet Max in his own room next to theirs. He's such a good big brother. He's been so good to the twins, they play together, he guides them, helps them, looks out for them (and hits pushes them way too much). He can be so sensitive to the feelings of others (and so completely oblivious at times). He constantly is wanting to hold and love Easton, looking out for him when he cries, talking to him, telling me he wants to hold his "choot baby." I hope I am giving him my adequate time and attention to help him learn and grow. I can't believe how fast he's growing, slipping away from my nest with the slow pull of school beginning. He brings me so much joy, he is my first baby after all and will forever be my baby.

I have been so blessed with the most wonderful family. They are not perfect, like, at all, but, they are perfect for me. Shaping me into the woman I need to be more. Helping me forget about myself to serve others, serve like all the day long, ha, but I love them and would do anything for these 5 boys. They are my world, and to the 4 little boys Casey and myself are their world. I want to be kinder, more loving, more patient, more intentional. I want to be my best for them and savor up these days when they are completely mine with little to no outside distractions.

This and that

Casey is constantly falling asleep while holding babies that also tend to fall asleep on him. I wish he were around all day to put that magic spell on the babies more often. Or I just wish I had the magical ability to put babies to sleep faster…and fall asleep fast myself. Instead if a baby falls asleep on me these days I think ok I need to transition this baby off of me seamlessly so he'll stay asleep because I need to get this and this and this and this done before he wakes up!

 Cute babies waking up! V for victory!!!!

A few of my friends at a joint baby shower for Katie and Kylie Christopherson. I hadn't been around all my friends like that in forever. It was so much fun. We had a daytime/playdate shower where the kids came too and we had pizza. It was kinda crazy with all the children and moms and equally awesome at the same time. What an awesome stage I'm at in my life. All these great girls I'm surrounded by having lots of babies too, we all stay at home (a couple of them work nights) and we can all get together in friends' tiny houses and be ok with children running wild. I love my friends so much. I think I counted 25 children there and that was with some of the moms leaving theirs at home! 

 Crazy days where I'm a mess all day surviving. I hate bottle feeding, ha. It takes forever, it's messy, your hands are occupied, they spit up more, formula smells, blah I could go on. But at the same time I'm grateful my babies take formula and bottles a-ok and there is such a thing as nutritious formula because I can't quite produce enough milk on my own to sustain them both! Yes we are breastfeeding and bottle feeding. I'm probably making enough for 1 1/2 babies so we supplement throughout the day as needed with formula after I nurse them. Oh how I wish I could solely just breastfeed, so much easier!!!!

 Visiting ducks with Granny. 

Headed to bed.

We took a trip to Trader Joe's and holy cow Maxson was obsessed with the little cart! He was adorable pushing it around the whole time so determined to go all around the store and pick up what he wanted to put in his cart, it was so adorable. Adorable until we had to leave the store and he threw the biggest tantrum ever. While trying to rip his hands away from the cart's bar, he began his screaming. I carried him screaming out of the store, he writhed out of my arms in the idle of the where all the cars drive blah blah blah. It was fun. The screaming ensued for about 20 minutes, I kid you not. Still a cute cart?

 Took Maxson to Target one night to purely entertain him, no buying anything, no plans, just following Max around. He had tons of fun. He pushed the buttons on the music sample section a million times to listen Frozen over and over and over. then he'd sing along with Let it go over a milling times over. It was so darn cute and the other shoppers loved the entertainment. He found another small cart to push around, luckily there was no scream fest that ensued.

 a.  Casey. Video games. Sleeping babies. Life

b. Debating on what I should do with my spare time.

c. Blessed Katie surprised me one day and came over with her girls one day. The little girls played with Maxson and Katie helped hold babies, twas a great afternoon

d. Playing  with his new dentist play dough set. It only took an hour or so to make all the colors jumbled into one

I hate getting pictures like this from Casey, ha. He loves to spoil Max and let him try soda when out and about. This time around it was at another little 2 year old's birthday party when I was texted this...

My vacuuming buddy.

Life. I can't remember what was so funny about this picture when Casey took it but I was laughing really hard, maybe because I purposely sat so far away from the rest of the children for a break...

Going places with babies takes EFFORT.

Silly Maxson.

Lastly, I told my instagram followers that I feel like I'm dripping in babies. Sometimes they're always all over me. And Max is often next to me playing on the iPad so he's not making a bigger mess somewhere else.

I'm just so tired

My mom is in town this week. It's like a burden lifted from my back with all the help she has given. But at the same time, she's lifted the burden from my back and I feel like I've completely fallen to the ground, flat on my face, tired from carrying it.

I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's a mental thing. While I was by myself, I HAD to take care of us all, I HAD to get things done. I didn't have time to just sleep when I needed. I just put one foot in front of the other and kept going. Now that she's here and I don't have to do it all it's like I'm completely exhausted everyday and I think to myself "how in the heck was I doing this by myself before?"

Maybe it's like the story Elder Bednar told of the truck needing to carry a load to be able to have enough traction to go. Maybe I need this load of caring for these twins to create more traction for myself to get things done and not be so lazy.

"Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness"

Just a thought…



Tonight as Casey and I were talking we realized how much we are rocking it in the parent department. It was 8:30 pm Max was still super wide awake and happy and crazy and of course was holding a cookie in his hand (because I'm a weak parent and give into his wants lately because I don't have the energy to fight him anymore, when will that will power come back?????!!!!!!!)

The babies are beginning to wake up more, which is making it harder to please them. It takes a little more effort on my part to coax them to go down for sleep. At least today, it felt like there was COMPLETELY no schedule or rhythm to the day. They were on opposite schedule. One would want to eat after an hour and a half, and the other was content until 3 hours. One would take a long nap, and the other just a short cat nap. I just kinda felt like a parenting fail today.

I mentioned to my mom and a friend today that I kinda feel a little gipped having twins. You don't get to spend that constant one on one attention with your baby just staring at him and cooing at him. There's no relaxed lay there in bed nursing him (well you can do 1 but then I have to turn and do the other probably crying baby and worry if the first needs to be burped, needs more from a bottle, etc). It's just so intense and in your face. I think the rest of my babies are going to seem easy breezy compared to this.

My mom mentioned that was how she felt when raising her 4 little boys: every stage was just so in your face intense, it was hard to enjoy it all. I want to be able to enjoy it. I don't want to be overwhelmed. I want to be able to step back, take it all in, and see the joy. I think having this blog as a writing space to reflect is a big help to be able to do that.

I didn't mean for this to be a depress-a-post. I know I'm so lucky to be a mother to twins, not many get to and it truly is really fun. I think some days will feel overwhelming like this but I just can't let it roll over to the next day. I need to make each day a new one and not let the past day reflect on the current. It's ok to not feel on the ball everyday. It's ok to feel tired. But each day is a new one and with the Lord's help I can make it through (happily).

At the end of (the rough) day today, my mom and I were changing the boys' diapers getting them ready for their last feeding before bed. As I was holding Quinn like a puppy (that's what I call it when your hands are under their armpits, their shoulders are scrunched to their ears and they have no where but to look at you and just hang there, you know that hold? back to the story…) as I was holding Quinn like a puppy he began putting weight on his legs and standing for a few seconds!!!!!!! Something new and exciting from this baby!!!! He's growing! He's learning something new! He's waking up! We're getting somewhere! And then Bryson did the same thing with my mom! They both are putting weight on their little legs! It was like a bright shining star from a kinda gloomy-get-through it day. Those few seconds of standing made the whole day of hard mothering worth it.

It truly is the small things that you can find such great happiness in!

Small things also like BOTH BOYS slept three 4 hour stretches last night, Let me tell you, those two 3 hour stretches of sleep for myself felt so fantastic.

Now a couple pictures because we all love pictures:

This is Maxson pre-toddler bed transition, he was able to grab the pack of wipes while trying to wind down before bed, pulled a bunch of them out, and fisted them while going to bed, that goober. It was super cute when I walked in and saw it (this is also when he was turning on the light, that's why the light is on in his room ;)

 Guess whooooo!!!!!! Look close!!!!!!!!it's Bryson

 The other baby.

That's it for pictures because I'm tired and want to go to sleep.

Farewell all ye well rested readers.

The official lowering of the standards day

The grandmothers are all gone.

Culture shock.

Baptism by Fire.

A buckets of cold ice.

Those phrases just briefly  describe what my day was like.

Casey got back from the airport with Maxson at 1 pm. Maxson decided to take his wonderful 2 hour nap during the whole car ride so he could be wide awake all day long to play with me aka make mischief and kiss babies.

This is all that went down during that first hour of home alone with 3 kids under 2.

-Changed Maxson's diaper 3 times, 2 being the not so easy ones.
-Changed 3 poopy diapers on the babies
-Max has a mini throw up
-Both babies screaming while I got set up to nurse them

-WHile sitting and nursing I can only barely see Max in the kitchen on a step stool very interested in something on the counter. His little finger begins rubbing something on his face. It's shiny. Finger disappears with more substance on finger and finger goes in mouth. I ask him to show me what he has, he shows me his finger and there is some gooey substance dripping off. Although I want to jump up and stop the madness I have 2 babies sucking away on my chest. He continues I continue. I chose to laugh instead of scream. I coax him to come over to me telling him "you can watch a movie on the iPad!" He eagerly comes to me and I slowly smell intoxicating yumminess from him. Bath and Body Works shower gel was the weapon. It could have been worse. Fr the next 15 minutes until the babies become drunk in milk Max watches Frozen and I hope that the shower gel bottle is not tipped over and still standing up right. *Update* It was upright hallelujah ;)
Max: 1
Kimber: 0

Funny moments during the rest of the evening.

-I thought sharing a bowl of pasta with Max would be easy (1 dish to clean instead of 2, not forcing him into his highchair etc). WRONG. It went well good awhile until I had to keep getting  up to coax babies to keep sleeping. Whilst I was up, Max decides to pour my (large) cup of milk into the bowl of pasta and all over the table.

I'm smiling like an idiot because I don't realize what the rest of the day bring. Said pasta below

Max: 2
Kimber: 0
-During a feeding session Max gets ahold of my hospital water cup (the HUGE kind with the straw) and dumps it all over the floor. Think flood during Noah's time in the kitchen. He begins to roll around in said water like a pig in a pile of mud laughing. He is in heaven. While I try to clean up the mess he runs away and runs back into said water pile gracefully falling like a penguin on ice (on his stomach) and sliding in said water. He is even happier than before. I may or may not have peed my pants from laughing so hard.
Max: 3
Kimber: 0
-Change AT LEAST 8 more poopy baby diapers
- Change twins outfits twice due to spit up
- Because the twins slept terribly the night before, I had a horrible night's rest therefore today's milk supply is low. Therefore after nearly every feeding they demand more meaning I either have to go unfreeze milk (which takes FOREVER while babies are crying) or grab some formula. We do both. Babies keep begging for more than they would normally eat I swear. It's exhausting.
- Babies cried a lot more than usual today since they didn't get their ideal "hold me" time :( Poor babies
- While changing baby diapers on the couch Max keeps bringing over baby bottles of soapy water in hopes to feed them said bottles. Water is nearly dumped on babies 3 times

Max: 4
Kimber: 0
- During bottle feeding, diaper changing and baby soothing, Maxson continually brings a stool into kitchen to get into a certain cupboard he never has before. In said cupboard he finds food coloring drops, sprinkles, Casey's deodorant, a bag of Halloween candy, containers of salt. Let your imagination run wild, dear readers
Max: 5
Kimber: 0

Tears shed by babies: A billion (babies this young don't actually shed tears yet but if they did…you get the point)

Tantrums thrown down by Maxson: probably 5

Prayers said by Kimber: 2 (there should have been more, only while writing this do I realize that)

Picture below is a calm between the storms

We made it. Only 2 1/2 weeks until my mom comes back (cue ugly cry face)

BTW- Casey was around to help out during some of this. He has a big fat ugly test tomorrow that he might fail because I needed him to help us 4 helpless/mischievous/begging/needy should out this evening. The tear count would have been upped via Kimber if he had not been around.

Here's to hoping the babies sleep better tonight.

Muah.

PS- Andy, tonight I scheduled my massage after reflecting on how much fun I had today. I love you.

Facts about Quinn and Bryson

Bryson, Quinn

-Those first 2 weeks was CONSTANT PEEING while diaper changing. Constant I tell you. Probably 3 times a day at least per boy! I don't remember it being like that with Maxson haha.

-Speaking of diapers, we go through 16-20 diapers a day between the twins. Insane right? Throw Max in there and I'm a professional diaper changer.

- If one is happy and sleeping, you can bet the other one is going to be giving you a hard time. (How in the world do I have 2 hands to blog right now with everyone else being gone? I'm boggled. Actually I keep having to get up and re-settle Bryson as I write this. And now that Bryson is completely settled finally Quinn is beginning to squeak, ooy).

- It does not matter what goes in who's mouth or nose because they're going to dang share it all. Pacifiers, bottles, nose bulbs. All that matters is that you as the parent stays sane.

-They squeak. They are definitely squeakers when they're not pleased with something going on. And then those few times where we've waited way too long to appease them boy howdy are their little cries loud.

-They totally sound the same. It's hilarious when they happen to make the exact same cries or noises at the exact same time. Makes me laugh.

-When they're completely lying still and their faces are totally at rest, they TOTALLY look like identical twins. But as soon as they're awake and using their face muscles they have differences. It's like their overall expressions are very different.

Quinn, Bryson

-Quinn's face always looks a little more red than Bryson's

-Both of Bryson's eyes have clogged tear ducts :( Meaning he pretty much always has goop in his eyes that we're trying to clean out. Quinn's left eye is the same thing

-They very much enjoy sleeping on the boppy pillow. Even more than the boppy pillow would be in someone's arms.

-They both have runny or plugged noses :( It's the saddest thing ever. They stayed clear of catching it from Maxson the first week home but then it was inevitable they got it. Pooey. I feel so bad for them. I feel like we're doing everything from saline drops, snot sucking, humidifiers, smelling Casey's mom's essential oils, being propped up to sleep. Next we should stick them in the bathroom while someone takes a cold shower and I'm thinking about buying one of those nose fridas.

That's it for now, a baby is calling.

Morning routine with newborn twins

Wake up. The boys aren't on a eat-at-this-time schedule, they just go more along the lines of it's-been-2-or-3-hours-feed-me schedule. So wake up time varies. No matter what their wake up time is though, I'm exhausted usually in the morning. At the maximum I've gotten to sleep in 2 hour increments. Breastfeeding these two is so worth the little sleep but oh man it is sure is hard. Glories be to my mom for being here. She completely takes care of Maxson and I'm so beyond thankful for her help. Whatever time Maxson wakes up at, she gets up with him and then I just keep sleeping until I need. Sometimes I've gotten up at 8 and other days I've gotten up at 10. I don't know what I'm going to do without her.

But whatever time we do start in the mornings I nurse both in bed. I still have to sit up propping them with my enormous set up of pillows. Usually they choke on milk this time of the day since your milk is fullest in the morning. I feel like they don't nurse for very long because they get so much so quickly that they quickly give up/get full too quick. Usually near the end of breastfeeding them or after I'm done Maxson will wiggle his way into our room. He comes boisterously bouncing onto our bed exclaiming "babies! babies!" As I continue to nurse, Maxson does things he shouldn't: find my makeup bag, drink out of my water bottle, climb on Casey's dresser drawers to reach hand sanitizer, etc. I usually yell to my mom or Casey to come intervene. We change diapers at this time (usually we do it before all feedings but this feeding I choose to do it afterwards for some reason…). Sometimes we have to change clothes in case they've peed through or sweated and made themselves damp. We transfer everything downstairs: nursing pillows, water bottles, babies, any dirty laundry, the infant attachment to the pack n play.

Once downstairs we get the babies all situated, usually they just keep sleeping (completely soundlessly during the day more so than the night, I swear). I refill water bottles, say hello to Maximus, chat with my mom for a second. I'll then grab some form of breakfast and take it upstairs with me; here is where I multi-task to the utter maximum. Using a hands free pumping bra (a NICU nurse told me to just take an old sports bra and cut holes in it, works like a charm and WAY less expensive!) I simultaneously pump, eat my breakfast, put on my makeup, and listen to a conference talk. I'd lie if I said I wasn't proud of myself during those 15 minutes.

After pumping, I bring all the stuff downstairs (hoping Maxson doesn't get to the milk before I do…not going to lie, it's happened a few times…). I put just a little of that expressed breatmilk into 2 bottles for them so I can mix it with their vitamin (so annoying that their vitamins have to be drunk with milk instead of just a straight form like the Vitamin D drops). I put 1 ml of this vitamin in with about 10 ml of milk and just let it sit on the counter until their next feeding.

Finally my morning routine is done. In just over and hour Quinn and Bryson will be hungry again and it's back to diaper changes and nursing.

Although it feels like I do that exact same stuff everyday (I do) sometimes I can throw in a few variables here in there. Yesterday I walked to the tractors with Max (Yes I walked and didn't have to drive us in the car! I felt so youthful and fit and full of energy now that I'm not pregnant!). We also took a quick trip to the library. One day a friend knocked on our door and said she was playing the backyard with her kids, she offered to have Max come out and she'd watch him too but I wanted to join and we got to talking and it was so great. I do try to sit a lot and blog and go through pictures. That's what are mornings consist of for the time being.

Man, these babies sleep so much! Aside from nursing because they practically sleep while they nurse or they may be awake too, they sleep what seems 22 hours of the day. Babies are so cuddly and cute and adorable. We are soaking up our time with these tiny babies. Without a doubt Maxson agrees. I am always so surprised at how sweetly he treats these babies!

 I hangout like this as much as I can. After nursing them I somehow juggle them up on my shoulder to burp that together. I never have enough hands to gather burp rags so my shirt always turns into their burp rag. Ahh, this too shall pass.

 Bryson

 Quinn